My acne journey as a coming back home to myself

I had shared as my first journal entry a more logistal experince of my acne journey and today i want to share more about the impact acne has had on my life.

When I was 9 years old, my stepmother put her hands on my forehead and said, “What are all of these bumps? Why are they here?” I felt instant shame, confusion, discomfort, and a lack of safety and security.

If she did not know, who knew? What do we do? What is wrong with me? Why do I have this and not others? Who is going to help me? How do I hide this? All within a 10-second span. I was prepubescent and didn’t even know what acne was yet—or that it would be part of my next three decades.

The impact of how it was delivered and how I felt seen in that moment was so damaging. It could have just been harmless bumps that we found support for, but instead, I was damaged with no way out. You may already get a sense of an environment that perhaps created stress at such a young age—stress that impacted my body’s health through my stress response system, eventually leading to gut imbalance and a cascade of other health issues. Acne before hormonal change has a story that gave me a lot of insight.

Going into skincare as a profession because of this experience also showed me that nearly every acne experience was tied to some form of high stress in the body, digestive issues and discomfort, or a hormonal imbalance beyond our natural changes.

I am talking about my acne here—but this really relates to all inflammatory skin conditions, and I just want to hold that larger container here for a moment. Society is taking a sweet turn back to wanting more natural and authentic-looking humans—yay! But the pressures are still very alive and create added suffering in a health journey for someone with skin flare-ups.

So here we are—acne at 9 years old, then pre-teens I am hiding behind baggy clothing and terrible accessories. I am bonding with my beautiful Slavic family over makeup and beauty, which gives me joy. I do 1-hour makeup routines for the next 10 years—but sadly, these routines were also because I was stuck in a state of hiding. I remember anytime I was acknowledged for how pretty I was without this makeup, and how uncomfortable it was for me, as I had not felt that in myself.

I am in my 20s in New Jersey, and I eat Mediterranean food mixed with lots of pizza and prepared foods. I am in a frozen partying stage (again, hiding). At this time, I start having burning red skin—akin to the lupus butterfly rash. I experience burnout, days stuck in bed. I am too disconnected to seek help, and onward I go with zinc-based makeup that cools the burn.

Thirties come—I now have seen myself go through a few periods of burnout (or close to it) and see a pattern and have an awareness—yay! I start the journey of being more in alignment with what actually feels good to me. But it is a messy path that takes a while to get the hang of, so I am still having a lot of symptoms—new ones, including no energy, moodiness in relationships, and joint pain. I get a reduction in my symptoms, but not full relief through some minimal lifestyle changes that honestly felt huge.

Come COVID, and I finally am given the time to explore becoming an integrative health practitioner—my avenue for healing myself and hopefully guiding others. In one year, all of my problems are gone or improving. All physical symptoms are gone—the burning skin, the full face and neck breakouts, the deep fatigue, joint pain—gone!

The change in physical symptoms also started to change my personality and my relationship to myself. By changing what nourishment my cells had access to, removing excess for my body to get rid of, changing my digestive microbiome, and balancing my hormones—I was literally changed.

I felt now that I had more access to who I was before the bumps ever appeared—innocent, in awe of life, not worried about looks. I feel safe. I have knowledge.

I have not had more than 6 pimples since then, and I know what caused each one. I invest in learning more about awareness, acceptance of self, and taking life-changing action. I deepen and expand my meditation and self-care practices. I learn ways to unravel the habitual impact of this experience in my body and neural network. I get to hold my little sweet 9-year-old self who was so hurt and be with her and thank her for all of the wisdom she shared through her experience.

Inflammatory skin conditions can all be supported by some of these changes I made in myself, and they invite us into a deeper connection to ourselves and this rich life as a whole.

With love,
Karena